To Crush or not To Crush...

What's a girl to do? I've got a crush. A secret crush. An on-again, off-again, back to on-again crush. It's so very high school. Which explains why I want to call up all my girlfriends and ask for advice.

This past weekend, we went on what can only be described as a date. And it was fabulous!

Truth? I don't know what to do with myself. This is somebody I really like. And I think he likes me. And yet...

IF this were high school, then I would ask a friend to ask him about me. But this isn't high school. There's no one to ask. So I might just have to be brave and bold. And that scares the crap out of me.

We did we get so scared? When did dating someone you actually like become so scary? What am I afraid of? What's the worst that could happen?

We're friends. We could lose that. But we're not THAT good a friends. We don't run in the same circles. I would miss him if things didn't work out. But isn't it ultimately worth the risk?

Isn't it?

Happy Breakup Celebration Day!

In honor of February 14th, I'm giving thanks for not being in a dead end relationship or settling for less than I deserve. And I'm wearing my fabulous "I'm not with Stupid anymore" t-shirt to show my spirit. Let's face it, folks. Valentine's Day is for Suckers. I even bought lollipops to prove it.

Here's a link to my Vday/Breakup Celebration Day press release: http://www.prweb.com/releases/2005/2/prweb207963.htm

And here's a link to my site: www.BreakupChronicles.com. Check out the recommended movie list. It's good!

Take a moment today to say "Thank God!" for all the ones who got away. ;)

Is something in the air...or what?

Note to the universe: I'm NOT complaining!

Remember the long-self-imposed celibacy? The hiatus from men? Well, apparently it's ended. Probably because I'm not paying attention. Seems everywhere I go, I meet a guy! Not a bad problem to have. And not really a problem. Just an interesting observation. Hmm...

I've seen you naked...can we be friends?

Well, so far so good. While I'm completely relieved that the magician is out of my bed, I'm happy to report that we may actually succeed at this friendship thing. Of course, this is purely speculation, considering we've only talked on the phone twice since the breakup. I don't think I'm ready to hang out in person yet. The memory of naked magic tricks is too fresh. Alas...

Ding Dong, the Magician's Gone...

Wow. I just had the easiest breakup in history. So that's how it's done.

He asked if I wanted to get together this week. I said I thought this relationship had run its course. He said he felt the same way but that he'd like to hang out still cuz I'm a cool chick. I agreed. And then we said our goodnights.

And the thing is, I think we will hang out. He's a cool guy. Just not my guy.

I must admit, I did a little happy dance when I hung up the phone. Can you blame me? This is a guy who told me that once a woman sleeps with him, she never breaks up with him. He always has to end it. Because he's that good in bed, and no woman wants to give up such good sex.

I took it upon myself - for all womankind - to make sure I did the dumping here. Can you believe his nerve?

I give him credit. He knows where all the parts are. And he's fun in the sack. But come on. Just cuz you know where things are and some woman once upon a time liked it that way doesn't mean I do. And being dominant has its place in the bedroom, but sometimes I like to dominate. And he didn't like that. He only liked the motion of the ocean when he controlled it. And I'm sorry, that's not the kind of sex I want to be having for months and years to come.

So there you have it. No more naked magic tricks. But on the plus side, no more bizarre overly-doting cat behavior. Yes, I get that you love your cat. Now stop LOVING your cat.

Words like integrity and humility come to mind. Character traits I've always thought important but never fully valued. Maybe that's what this brief relationship taught me. The value and necessity of those traits. I smell a breakup story percolating!

I'm single again. Huh. Whaddaya know? It always comes back to this. I often wonder if there's really someone out there who's right for me. Someone who can handle my passion, my creativity, my moodiness, my zest for life. I bet there is.

And in the meantime? I plan to relish every moment of this incredibly selfish, self-indulgent life.

Riddle me this...

Here's a conundrum. Let's say you start dating someone. You hit it off, have great chemistry, do the nasty, and find yourself suddenly "involved" with someone. And then you realize, maybe, just maybe you could like this person.

Time passes. You get to know each other better. Your likes, your dislikes. Your habits and routine.

And then you realize maybe, just maybe, you don't see this going anywhere.

At what point do you end it?

It's not that things are wrong. But the red flags have started popping up. You can't ignore them.

How long do you let things go on like this?

Are you playing Russian roulette with your emotions? And at what point do you put the gun down and walk away?

Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down, Just Don't Expect a Commitment

After a long self-imposed celibacy, I have recently discovered the joy of sexual compatibility. This is new for me. In all of my past relationships, with the exception of the asshole ex when I was 22 and he was 37, I have been the wild one. I have been the one wanting more than five minutes of foreplay followed by fifteen minutes of so-so sex. Now, don't get me wrong. I've had amazing sex before. Hot, steamy, passionate sex. But like Goldilocks (or GoldiCocks as they said on Sex & The City), I've run into men who were too small, too big, or in some other way just not right.

With my high school boyfriend, well, we didn't know what we were doing. But damn, we had fun trying!

All of my college affairs involved alcohol, a brief loss of inhibitions, followed by shame, embarrassment, and general self-loathing. Not my finest years.

The 37-year old asshole bodybuilder was aggressive, demanding, and I was never sure if he was going to f*** me or kill me. What can I say? I was 22, naive, and very, very lucky to get out of that one alive.

With Mr. Nice Guy, the sex was nice. But I felt like the naughty schoolgirl wondering when the hell the guy was going to spank me. And he never did. Said he liked things the way they were. How did that go on for three years?

When I left that relationship, I decided to live my life to the fullest. That's when I really got in touch with who I am, who I want to be, what my desires are.

Enter the hottie. Otherwise known as that brief 2 month affair with the 22-year-old right before The One Who Rocked My World. That was the closest I got to true sexual compatibility. He was young, hot, and very attentive. I never left the house without a smile on my face. We actually clicked on a lot of levels. He was fun, goofy, sexy, and totally supportive of my passions and interests. Unfortunately, he committed Cardinal Sin #1 of dating. When I broached the subject of getting an HIV test, he flipped. And then I spent the next six months flipping out, getting tested every so often, even tho I'd been a conscientious safety gal the whole time we were together. Thank God for that.

And even with The One Who Rocked My World, I didn't quite feel sexually compatible. We were hot for each other, but our sexual styles were far from being in sync. He preferred to see me as Snow White rather than a Naughty Nurse. But then I'd stumble onto his poorly-hidden porn.

He was unwilling to merge the two - "virtuous" me and naughty "them."

Enter the magician. With his magic wand, plethora of titilating tricks, and penchant for naughtiness, my first thought the first time we were in bed was, is this my sexual soul mate or the devil incarnate? And since I haven't quite figured that out yet, I find myself going back for more and more and...

I confess. It's hot. It's every fantasy come to life. And it's so refreshing to be with someone who isn't afraid to experiment. Me likey.

But...

The chick side of my brain kicks in. Too often. I've been trying to keep her silent, telling her to chill out, shut the f*** up, just deal. But you know what? I'm human. So I confessed everything. And the magician, in all his coolness, listened and responded. But it's what he had to say that has my head spinning.

No promise of exclusivity. Now or in the forseeable future. Because of career and financial pressure, he doesn't want to feel tied down in any other areas of his life. OK, we all know that's Predictable Guy Code for "I'm Keeping My Options Open In Case Someone Better Comes Along."

Here's the thing. I'm not even sure I wanted monogamy at this point, but now that it's not an option, I feel more than a little foolish. This is like month-to-month apartment renting. And I own my own condo!

The truth is, it's only been a month. But an intense month. With 24-hour dates, amazing conversation, mind-boggling pillow play, and even some snuggle time. Needless to say, my brain has been distracted by my happy hormones.

I feel like "the talk" was my first real breath of fresh air since we met. And now that I'm back on oxygen, I find I'm liking it. And seeing things much more clearly.

And now I must decide. Do I want to be tied up without being tied down? Can I handle that? I'm not quite sure. And so, for the moment, I'll leave things undone.